#96

i certainly understand the appeal of flopping on the couch after work and just vegging. in fact, i probably understand it more than most. but night after night of coming home to you on the couch, staring at the tv, getting progressively more stoned... i definitely started to resent that.

you never wanted to do anything. and although you were more giggly and fun after a few hits, you always went far past that, until you were basically sucked into the couch, unmoving, staring straight ahead. many times i thought you were sleeping. sometimes i thought i should put a mirror by your mouth to make sure you were still breathing.

i am no fan of Nancy Reagan or her war on drugs (or her infinite wardrobe of snappy, conservative dresses) but watching you turn into an inert lump every night was no fun either.

#97

i can't believe you haven't turned in your cable box, which has been sitting in the garage for, what, 4 months now? despite repeated pleadings from me (let alone a bunch of mail from the cable company, and then from a collection agency...) and despite the fact that it couldn't take more than 10 minutes to drop that sucker off, it's still there.

are you so secure in your crappy credit that you just don't care about this stuff anymore? i know you blamed your financial problems on your past boyfriend, but watching how you deal with even the dumbest of chorse really makes me wonder wtf you're thinking...

#98

your unwavering love for ani difranco really started to get on my nerves. i'm sure she's a wonderful person, but jesus, every song sounds exactly the same:
*strum*
*slap*
*howl*
*strum*
*slap*
*howl*

and in the time we were dating, that same goddamn ani difranco cd NEVER LEFT ROTATION. omg.

#99

you shaved your scraggly beard in the sink, no problem. but then you started shaving your head into the bathroom sink, and the sink started getting clogged like every other week, and you always reacted with such surprise... gosh, who would think a sinkful of hair could do such a thing?

well at least you bought your own drano instead of making me buy it, like everything else.

#100

the fact that you never put your laundry away started to really grate on my nerves. it's not such a big deal that i washed it and i folded it about 94.7% of the time, but could you not pick up the neatly sorted piles of laundry and put them somewhere besides the top of the washing machine?

to make matters worse, you frequently tossed your dirty clothes in the same place, making it really hard to tell what was clean and what was not. i swear i washed some of the same shirts half a dozen times, without you ever having worn them. and i'm through with sniffing your shirts to tell if they're clean or not.

Introduction and #101

well, i just got dumped. again. i suppose to be more precise, it was a "MUTUAL DECISION," borne out of compassion and a strong desire to not shoot each other (or ourselves) in the face. let's be honest, it was probably for the best. although we started off with a bang, things slowly trickled off into the vast nothingness of suburban life. nevertheless, i feel like shit, and i have been having a hard time sleeping, so i'm trying to process this the best way i know how: through vindictive blog posts. without further ado:

101. Poor Oral Hygiene
i swear to god, is it that difficult to brush your teeth? even if you choose to ignore ADA guidelines (2 minutes, twice a day!), just slapping a little paste on a brush and giving your teeth the once over takes like no time at all. and the consequences of irregular brushing (i scoff at the notion of you + floss!) were readily apparent in your discolored, raggedy smile.

and for the record, i never believed your story about the rogue dentist with his antiquated orthodontics.